1
00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:37,320
All right, Pusface.
What's going on?

2
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,560
Um, hey, Dad.

3
00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:44,240
Yes.

4
00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:46,640
And, the reason you're
dressed as an astronaut?

5
00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:47,960
What? You mean this coat?

6
00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:50,280
Which you're wearing
on your next mission to Jupiter?

7
00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:51,560
Clever.

8
00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:53,640
Dad, why are you looking
at a tree?

9
00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:55,720
What?
Why are you looking at a tree?

10
00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:58,280
I'm not looking at a tree,
I'm looking at a bag.

11
00:00:58,280 --> 00:00:59,440
Huh?

12
00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:01,240
See that plastic bag up there?

13
00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:03,000
Dad wants to get it down.

14
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:04,160
Really? Why?

15
00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:06,200
Cos it's an eyesore.
And cos he's an idiot.

16
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:07,560
But it's not even our tree.

17
00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:09,240
It's not even outside our house.

18
00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:11,000
What I said.
That's not the point.

19
00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:12,240
It's in our sodding road...

20
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:14,080
BOTH: And you can see it for miles.

21
00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:15,240
Miles?

22
00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:16,640
BOTH: Yes, miles!

23
00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:17,840
Stupid runt.

24
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:19,360
Hi, boys.

25
00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:20,360
Hi, Mum.

26
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:24,840
Martin,
please leave the tree alone now.

27
00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:26,960
It's not the tree, Jackie,
it's the bag.

28
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:29,040
Yes, all right, the bag.

29
00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:31,240
Just come in, will you?
What are you wearing?

30
00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:33,080
Pillock's clothes.
Nice.

31
00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:34,480
Jonny's just joined NASA, so...

32
00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:35,440
Pusface.

33
00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:37,800
Well, are you coming or what?

34
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:39,000
Stick.

35
00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:40,360
The stick, again?

36
00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:41,600
It doesn't even reach.

37
00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:43,200
Urgh!

38
00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:45,200
Ready for this?

39
00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:53,160
Yes, well, when you've grown another
ten metres, Martin, do let us know.

40
00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:54,240
Come on, boys.

41
00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:55,560
Bleeding thing.

42
00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:58,960
He's obsessed with that grotty bag.

43
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,200
Is he really?

44
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:02,840
Don't worry, Jonny will get it down.
Will I?

45
00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:05,080
Your coat doubles as a jetpack,
doesn't it?

46
00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:06,560
Ha funny ha.

47
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:07,920
What is it even made of?

48
00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:09,040
Mum!

49
00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:12,960
It looks like the stuff
I wrap the chicken in
before I bung it in the oven.  Mum!

50
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,600
Martin?!

51
00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:15,800
Ah.

52
00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:18,720
Oh, maybe he can go
and live in that tree.

53
00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:20,200
Ooh, Mum.

54
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:21,240
Hmmm?

55
00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:22,920
Guess what I've got.

56
00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:24,040
What is it?

57
00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:25,760
Oh, yeah, I saw it.

58
00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:27,040
You saw it?

59
00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:27,760
What is it?

60
00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:29,800
You never told me you saw it.

61
00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:31,200
What is it, you dick?

62
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:33,480
It's an interview thing
I did for the local magazine.

63
00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:34,560
Interview thing?

64
00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:36,040
About his music.

65
00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:37,840
Did you like it?

66
00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:40,640
Why would anyone interview Pusface
about his awful, awful music?

67
00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:42,080
Thank you.

68
00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:44,200
Oh, my God, it's Pusface!

69
00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:45,040
Mum, look at Pusface!

70
00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:46,880
Yeah, I've seen Pusface, thank you.

71
00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:48,960
Um, what's wrong?

72
00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:50,200
Nothing's wrong.

73
00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:51,160
Something's wrong.

74
00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:53,560
Oh, this is gold!

75
00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:56,120
"Local lad and composer,
Adam Goodman..."

76
00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:58,200
Composer? You mean,
crap jingle writer.

77
00:02:58,200 --> 00:02:58,880
Thank you, again.

78
00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:01,280
"..has been sprinkling
his musical magic..."

79
00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:01,960
What?

80
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:05,600
"..on some of the country's
best-known radio commercials
for the past ten years."

81
00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:08,600
Ah, yes, like "Lax-a-Leave
for healthy bowels."

82
00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:09,960
Jonny.

83
00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:11,360
I thought you'd be excited.

84
00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:12,480
I am excited.

85
00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:14,400
You don't seem excited.  Don't I?

86
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,320
Pissing stick doesn't reach.

87
00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:18,800
Martin! You nearly gave me
a heart attack.

88
00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:19,960
Ooh, only nearly?

89
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:21,200
Right.

90
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,880
Oh, Jackie!

91
00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:24,640
Mum!  Bye-bye, stick.

92
00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:27,160
Here's a good one -
"How do you relax?"

93
00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:28,320
Yes, OK.

94
00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:29,920
And Pusface says, "Headphones on,

95
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:30,840
"chilled-out tracks,

96
00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:32,440
"and just vibe."

97
00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:33,640
Just give it!

98
00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:35,240
Dad, have you seen this?

99
00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:36,160
What? Oh, yeah.

100
00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:37,880
His mother's seen it too.

101
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:39,680
Sorry?

102
00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:41,040
Oh, for Christ's sake.

103
00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:42,440
What the hell's wrong?!

104
00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:49,280
"What is your earliest
musical memory?"

105
00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:51,640
Um...

106
00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:52,520
Yes?

107
00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:55,080
"Going to see Oliver The Musical

108
00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:57,640
"with my Auntie Val when I was six."

109
00:03:58,840 --> 00:03:59,720
And?

110
00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:02,400
I took you to see Cats

111
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,720
when you were five!

112
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:08,320
Oh, my God!

113
00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:11,080
Please say you're not being serious.

114
00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:13,000
No mention of your mother anywhere.

115
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:14,920
You are being serious.
I can't believe it.

116
00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:17,440
You mention your father. Oh, yes.
"My dad's so funny."

117
00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:18,680
Incredible.
You mention your brother.

118
00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:21,200
"My brother's hilarious."
He really is.

119
00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:22,840
You mention...  Auntie Val?

120
00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:24,680
Oh, yes, you even mention
Auntie Val,

121
00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:27,120
but you can't mention
your own mother.

122
00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:30,480
And this is happening in real life,
is it?

123
00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:32,240
How could you not mention
your own mother

124
00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:34,000
in a professional magazine
interview?

125
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:36,360
Uh! Dad, can you believe this?!

126
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:38,720
Well, maybe you could have said
something nice about your mum,

127
00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:40,560
even if it was a lie.

128
00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:42,520
Er, I heard that, thank you.

129
00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:43,480
Right!

130
00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:48,200
I'm so sorry I didn't talk
all about you in my interview,

131
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,080
but strangely enough it wasn't
about "Adam Goodman's mother".

132
00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:52,640
Well, you could have said something,
anything.

133
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,320
Oh, yeah? Like what?

134
00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:56,280
Like, OK...

135
00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:57,680
"I love my mother."

136
00:04:57,680 --> 00:04:59,120
I love my mother?

137
00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:01,800
Yes, "I love my mother."
What's so funny about that?

138
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:03,800
Don't you love your mother?
Oh, just shut up!

139
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:05,200
Well, say it then.

140
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:08,600
What? Now?  Well, if you're not going
to say it in your interview,
why can't you say it now?

141
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,280
Er, because this is insanity.

142
00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:11,360
Insanity?

143
00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:12,840
Er, Mum?  What, Jonny?

144
00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:13,880
I love you.

145
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:16,560
See, your brother can say
"I love you."

146
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:18,680
Your father can say, "I love you."

147
00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:21,360
Hmmm?  Martin, can you say
"I love you" please?  Oh, I love you.

148
00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:22,800
See?

149
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,640
But not as much as I love
this yucky stuff.

150
00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:28,520
Right, clearly
I mean that much to you.

151
00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:30,280
Yes, clearly.

152
00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:32,840
Can you believe him, Mum?
Shut up!

153
00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:34,840
Well, if that's how you feel,
I don't know why

154
00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:38,840
you bothered to come here tonight.
You know what? Neither do I!

155
00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:39,880
Unbelievable!

156
00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:43,240
Good!

157
00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:45,320
Uh...  Mmm!

158
00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:47,160
I didn't know Adam liked prawns.

159
00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:52,000
Unbelievable...

160
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:54,560
Unbelievable!

161
00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:56,440
Ugh!

162
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:59,200
Just vibing, are you?  Ha, funny, ha.

163
00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:00,320
JONNY LAUGHS

164
00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:03,280
What do you want?  Nothing.

165
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:06,960
Just came to say I love you.
Very good.

166
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:09,400
Getting ready for lift-off?
Also very good.

167
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,640
I mean, I literally have no memory
of Cats.

168
00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:14,520
Look, why don't you just go back in,
tell Mum you love her

169
00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:17,720
and be done with it?  No way!
Why can't she just be happy for me?

170
00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:19,800
When's she ever been
in a bloody magazine?

171
00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:21,720
Ah, yes, the bloody magazine.

172
00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:24,480
"From where do you
get your inspiration?"

173
00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:26,040
Fantastic, it's online.

174
00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:28,880
"Anything can inspire me,
from the smell of rain on tarmac..."

175
00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:31,000
What? So, you sniff puddles?
Jonny...

176
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,880
"..to watching the children
playing outside my bedroom window."

177
00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:36,160
That does not sound great.
Pissface!

178
00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:40,280
Hello, boys.
Ugh, what does he want?

179
00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:44,400
You all right, Jim?  Yes, fine, fine.

180
00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,360
DOG WHINES

181
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:48,320
Um... Can we help you?

182
00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:49,920
What? Oh, yes.

183
00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:50,960
Come on, Milson.

184
00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:53,200
Hmmm!

185
00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:58,160
Good girl, Milson.

186
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:01,320
Great. Car ruined.

187
00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:03,480
Is-Is your mother in?

188
00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:05,440
What? In the car?  Yes.

189
00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:09,560
Um, she's not in the car
at the moment, Jim.

190
00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:11,200
She's actually in the house.

191
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:14,040
Oh, of course, yes, in the house.

192
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:16,400
Well, don't worry,
I can ask her later.

193
00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:17,480
You do that.

194
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:22,000
So...?

195
00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:24,440
Where are we going again?

196
00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:26,040
I'm sorry?

197
00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:28,800
I've forgotten where we're
supposed to be going.

198
00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:30,480
We're not going anywhere, Jim.
Aren't we?

199
00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:32,840
Then why are we in the car?

200
00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:34,520
Get out immediately?  Yep.

201
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:41,720
Um, are you getting out, Jim, or...?

202
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:43,040
Yes, soon.

203
00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:45,160
Soon?  Soon.

204
00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:47,640
Fabulous.

205
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:49,800
Come on, then.

206
00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:52,960
Good boy, just say "I love you"
and...  I'm not saying that!

207
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:54,160
JONNY CHUCKLES

208
00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:56,840
Hi, Bobble.

209
00:07:58,240 --> 00:07:59,720
Hi.

210
00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:00,840
Um, I just want to say...

211
00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:02,960
Oh, Jonny, please take that
bloody space-suit off.

212
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,040
Ugh!

213
00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:07,640
I'm sorry about before, Adam.
I went a bit mad.

214
00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:08,480
A bit mad?

215
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:12,120
It's a lovely interview, really.

216
00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:13,200
Can we be friends?

217
00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:17,040
And you're not going to
make me say...  Of course not.

218
00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:19,760
And anyway, I don't need you to say
"I love you"

219
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:21,400
because I know you love me.

220
00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:25,400
I know you love your mother.

221
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,120
Your mum.

222
00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:31,640
Your mummy.

223
00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:33,400
I'm not saying it!  Bloody hell.

224
00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:35,800
Right...

225
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:37,480
Martin, it's dinner now.

226
00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:39,280
Just leave the sodding bag!

227
00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:42,680
Jackie, that sodding bag is about
to become sodding history

228
00:08:42,680 --> 00:08:45,200
thanks to this beauty.  What,
the ladder that falls apart

229
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:46,240
the second you open it?

230
00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:50,280
Shit.  Half a second, actually.

231
00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:51,640
Inside.

232
00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:53,320
Hello, Jackie.

233
00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:54,760
Hi, Jim.

234
00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:56,240
Everything OK?

235
00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:59,880
Yes, Jackie. Um, I just wanted to
ask you a question.

236
00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:02,920
Yes?  Did you know that there's...

237
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:05,520
..there's a bag in that tree?

238
00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:11,640
There's got to be some way
of getting that bugger down.

239
00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:13,640
Martin, please come away
from that window

240
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,480
or do you want me to put
your face through it?

241
00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:17,240
God knows how it ended up there.

242
00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:20,200
Right, I'm going to
cut my head off in the kitchen.

243
00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:22,520
Yeah, it's a real mystery.

244
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:25,240
Yes, how did a plastic bag
end up in a tree?  Ooh.

245
00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:27,600
I don't know. Maybe the wind?

246
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:29,440
Perhaps a bird took it up there.

247
00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:32,600
Or the wind?  Like a gull or
something.  Or just the wind?

248
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:35,520
Could have been children, you know,
mucking about. Kids.

249
00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:37,240
Mum, Dad doesn't know what wind is.

250
00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:39,720
Really? He should do,
he lets off enough of the stuff.

251
00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:40,520
SHE CACKLES

252
00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:41,320
Ugh, Mum!

253
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:44,920
If I could just get up there
somehow.  Table, please.

254
00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:47,640
Ooh, that's an idea.

255
00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:48,560
Table!

256
00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:52,680
Jackie, I suddenly need to go to
the...toilet.

257
00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:55,120
Well, that's not suspicious.  You
suddenly need to go to the toilet

258
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:57,440
or you suddenly need to go outside
to play with your stupid bag?

259
00:09:57,440 --> 00:10:00,000
Um, toilet. For my...wees.

260
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,440
Bag!  Absolutely bag.

261
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:02,600
Just sit.

262
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:03,760
MARTIN SIGHS

263
00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:05,600
Ooh, I nearly forgot -

264
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:08,680
to Adam, for his amazing interview.

265
00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:10,360
Aww, thanks, Mum.  Yes.

266
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:13,760
It was amazing, wasn't it?
"What's your favourite smell?"

267
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,200
Yes, OK.

268
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:17,080
Answer - "My girlfriend's hair."

269
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:19,240
And does your girlfriend KNOW
you're a murderer?

270
00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:21,800
And does your girlfriend KNOW
you're a dickhead?  Boys.

271
00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:24,080
Oh, don't know, let's find out.

272
00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:26,960
Jackie, my wees!  Martin, shut up.

273
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:30,200
Jonny, put your phone away will you,
please?

274
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,280
Hey, Luce.  Jonny!

275
00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:35,680
Yeah, all good, yeah. Just phoned to
say I love you, that's all.

276
00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:38,720
See ya, babe.  You shit.
JONNY CACKLES

277
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:42,120
So, do you remember
when I took you to see Cats then?

278
00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:44,600
What? Oh, um, not really.

279
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:47,280
What do you mean, "Not really"?
It was Cats!

280
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,280
Yeah, Adam, it was Cats.  Please.

281
00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:51,960
What was Cats about again?  Horses.

282
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:54,200
How can you not remember?

283
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:55,480
Uh, cos I was six.

284
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:57,120
Uh, no, Adam, you were five.

285
00:10:57,120 --> 00:11:00,000
All right, five!  Yeah, cos you were
six when you saw Oliver

286
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:02,320
with Auntie Val, which you do
remember...  Pissface.

287
00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:05,520
..but five when you saw Cats
with Mum, which you don't remember.

288
00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:06,200
Exactly.

289
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:07,640
Urgh!

290
00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:09,160
You shit.  I thank you.

291
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:11,080
I need wees. I'm doing wees.

292
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:15,160
I can't believe you remember seeing
a show with Auntie Val,

293
00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:16,680
but not one with your own mother.

294
00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:19,160
Well, that was because I love
Auntie Val and I don't love you.

295
00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:21,080
Happy now?  Horrible.

296
00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:22,440
So horrible!

297
00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:24,400
You're not jealous of Auntie Val,
are you?  What?

298
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:27,000
Course I'm not jealous of
Auntie Val.

299
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:28,920
Yes, you are.  Rubbish!

300
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:31,080
Why would I be jealous of
Auntie Val?

301
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:37,080
You know, it's just three words.

302
00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:39,080
Three little words.

303
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:41,560
I told you, I'm not saying it.
Saying what?  I love...

304
00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:43,600
HE GROANS

305
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:44,680
Very clever.

306
00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:46,160
PHONE RINGS

307
00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:49,040
And yes, well done, that's Lucy now,
calling you back to say,

308
00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:52,120
"I love you." Very good. You win.
It's not Lucy, it's Dad.

309
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:53,200
Dad?  Dad?

310
00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:55,480
You what?

311
00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:56,920
What?

312
00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:00,000
He wasn't doing wees.

313
00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:04,280
MARTIN GROANS

314
00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:07,840
Well, well, congratulations, Martin.

315
00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:09,720
Ow, my bleeding back!

316
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:13,440
Let me guess, you tried to make
a ladder by putting one dustbin

317
00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:16,760
on top of another dustbin,
then climbed up the dustbins

318
00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:18,640
and fell off the dustbins?

319
00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:20,160
Oh, shut up!

320
00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:21,640
And here's your dinner.

321
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:23,480
J... Oh, Jackie!

322
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:25,800
And just so you know, I do not want
another word out of you

323
00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:27,600
about that bloody bag,
do you hear me?

324
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:29,960
Yeah, uh, I think so, but I think
there might be some...

325
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,720
..pie in my ear?

326
00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:33,400
Ugh. Come on, boys.

327
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:34,600
CAR HORN HONKS

328
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:39,040
Oh, look, it's Auntie Val.

329
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:41,600
Woohoo, fame at last!

330
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:44,800
Auntie Val's a celebrity.  Auntie!

331
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:48,000
Aww, my little Adam! Aww.

332
00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,240
You remembered Oliver.

333
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:54,680
Of course I remembered Oliver.

334
00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:57,200
Oh, God, what's happened to Martin?

335
00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:59,600
Pie is in my ear.  Huh?

336
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:00,760
Ignore him, Val.

337
00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:02,160
Come inside.

338
00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:06,800
Well, good work, Dad.
Yes, sheer perfection.

339
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,000
Gits.

340
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:09,800
THEY LAUGH

341
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:11,480
Ooh, look.  What?

342
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:14,160
There's a plastic bag in that tree.
JACKIE SIGHS

343
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,240
Ah, my bloody back.

344
00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:23,720
God, I wish I didn't have a body.

345
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,520
Er, I'm sure it can be arranged.

346
00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:26,760
I can arrange it.

347
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:28,200
Argh.

348
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:29,800
So sorry.

349
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:31,040
Yes, so sorry.

350
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:32,880
Right! Wine.

351
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:35,400
See you, then.  Die well.
Wait, you prannies.

352
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,600
Now, listen.

353
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:41,040
In my shed is a rake.

354
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:42,880
If you attached
the rake to the broom,

355
00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:44,680
then that should be
long enough to...

356
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:47,000
Repeatedly whack
you in the face with it?  Idiot.

357
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,040
No, we can fashion a device,
get the bag down.

358
00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:50,960
"Fashion a device"?

359
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,880
Dad, we don't care about
your stupid bag.

360
00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:54,680
Yeah! It's a BAG!

361
00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:56,400
I know it's a bag,

362
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,160
but it's in a TREE!

363
00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:01,360
It's a bag in a tree.

364
00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:03,000
Very heavy sedation?

365
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:04,960
Boys, just leave him, will you?

366
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:07,160
Goodbye...  Forever!

367
00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:10,040
Oh. We mustn't forget to
turn off the lights.  Jackie?

368
00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:11,360
Night, night, Martin.

369
00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:12,840
But, Jackie...

370
00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:14,120
JACKIE?

371
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,080
Shame we can't turn off his oxygen.

372
00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:19,160
Boys, is your mum all right
tonight?

373
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:20,880
Oh, she's fine, isn't she, Jonny?

374
00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:23,640
Oh, fine.

375
00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:26,600
Sorry again, love,
for dropping round like this.

376
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:29,520
It's just, it's not every day you
see your own name in print.

377
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:31,240
Er, no, it's not.

378
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,000
I got such a shock.

379
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:35,400
But a nice shock.
Oh, I love him!

380
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:37,640
I love him!

381
00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:41,000
And I love you too, Auntie.
I really do.  Aww.

382
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:43,280
And I was just telling your mum
how proud

383
00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:45,280
she must be to see you in that
magazine.

384
00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:47,000
Oh, she's very proud.
Immensely proud.

385
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:50,880
And I think it's amazing you
remembered seeing "Oliver"

386
00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:53,200
with me, all those years ago, Adam.

387
00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:55,360
Yes, that is amazing, isn't it?

388
00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:56,520
You were only six.

389
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:57,960
Only six.

390
00:14:57,960 --> 00:14:59,360
Although, come to think of it,

391
00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:03,040
didn't your mum take you
to see "Cats" when you were five?

392
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:04,320
Well, Adam?

393
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:07,920
Do you know?
I really can't remember.

394
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:09,480
Oh, my God!  Must dash.

395
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:11,040
Love you, Auntie. Goodbye.

396
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:15,280
OK.  How insane is mum tonight?

397
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,120
Oh, definitely new world record.

398
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:19,360
Check he's still breathing?  Go on.

399
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:22,960
Dad?

400
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:28,520
Of course. The rake.

401
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:35,080
And there she is.  Yup.

402
00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:37,600
Oi.  Ready?  Argh.

403
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:38,880
SMASHING AND CLATTERING

404
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:43,000
All right, Dad?  Hello?

405
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,560
Little turds!
What are you doing on the floor?

406
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:47,640
Yes, why are you on the floor,
Father?

407
00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:50,560
Well, help me up, then, will you?
Certainly.

408
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:54,000
THEY HEAVE
And here we go.

409
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:54,960
MARTIN GROANS

410
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:55,920
THUMPING

411
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:57,360
Buggers.

412
00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:59,880
I thought you couldn't walk?  What?
I thought you couldn't walk?

413
00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:00,960
I can't walk.  Well, how did you get

414
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,520
all the way from the living room
to the shed?

415
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:04,480
I crawled.  BOTH: Crawled?!

416
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,440
Yeah.

417
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:09,680
Now, look, I've made
the rake-broom device thingy.

418
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:11,880
The "rake-broom device thingy".

419
00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:13,280
Yeah, we'll take it round the front

420
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:14,360
and get the bag out the tree.

421
00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:16,040
Er, no, we won't.  No, sir.  Oh, God.

422
00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:18,760
Why won't anyone bleeding help me
tonight?

423
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:21,160
Cos it's an effing
bag in an effing tree.

424
00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:23,120
And it's an effing eyesore.

425
00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:25,640
Wait! Maybe we could
help him a little.

426
00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:27,480
Really?  Thank you!

427
00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:30,800
That way we'll get to see
him, you know....  What?

428
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:32,960
Crawl?

429
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:36,280
That's it, keep going.

430
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:37,680
Get off!

431
00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:39,280
Faster! Faster!

432
00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:40,920
Stop it, you shits.

433
00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:44,880
Oh, crap, I've just
put my hand in that bloody pie.

434
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:47,640
OK, then, here we go.

435
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:50,360
Uh-uh. I'm doing it, thank you.

436
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:52,240
You're doing it?
You can't even stand up.

437
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:54,120
I'm doing it, all right?

438
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:55,800
It's my bag to get.

439
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:58,040
It's mine.  All right.

440
00:16:58,040 --> 00:17:00,640
HE GROANS

441
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:04,920
HE GRUNTS

442
00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:06,600
Behold!

443
00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:07,960
Our Lord has risen.

444
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:11,520
You cretin.  Careful!

445
00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:16,440
You think you can get away
from me, do you?

446
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:19,280
He said, to a plastic bag!

447
00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:21,600
Easy does it.

448
00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:23,520
Easy does it. Eh?

449
00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:28,040
You didn't reckon with me, did you?

450
00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:29,640
Argh. The pie!

451
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:31,400
METAL CLANGS
Oh, no.

452
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,320
GLASS SMASHES

453
00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:35,160
Ah!  Shit on it!  Oh, my God.

454
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:36,720
Look at my car!

455
00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:38,760
Look at my car!

456
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:40,360
Jonny, you dick.

457
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:42,680
Sorry, but that is classic.
You bloody idiot.

458
00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:44,680
Look what you've done.

459
00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:47,040
Um, oops?  Oops? Oops?

460
00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:48,080
What is going on?

461
00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:49,080
Look what he's done.

462
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:50,920
My whole window, smashed to pieces.

463
00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:52,160
Is that a rake?

464
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:54,520
Um, a "rake-broom device thingy."

465
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:57,160
Huh?  I didn't mean to, Jackie.
It was the pie.

466
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,480
Can you believe him? Look at my car!

467
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:01,240
Look at it!  Right.

468
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:03,560
You, Martin,
are staying outside all night.

469
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:05,360
Outside?  With no crumble.

470
00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:06,560
No crumble?!

471
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:08,040
And you, Adam.

472
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:10,680
Well, it serves you right.

473
00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:14,000
Sorry?  Yeah, I've been talking
to your mum,

474
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,280
and it DOES serve you right.

475
00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:18,440
Oh, this is good.

476
00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:21,120
Serves me right? Serves me right?

477
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:22,920
Ignore him, Val.
I will, Jackie.

478
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:24,640
Don't you worry, I'll deal with it.

479
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,520
Deal with what? With what?

480
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:28,000
What?

481
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:29,800
You mention your father,

482
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:31,640
you mention your brother,

483
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:33,680
you even mention me,
but do you mention your own mother?

484
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:36,840
Oh, my God!  Please let me
film this.  Pissface!

485
00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:39,560
I've told you, love, he doesn't
care. He does not care!

486
00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:42,960
He really doesn't.  Jonny!  Pusface!

487
00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:46,160
So that's it, is it?

488
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:47,880
I've now got two mothers?

489
00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:50,120
Two deranged, psychopath mothers?

490
00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:52,440
Hey!  Do you know what's even worse?

491
00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:55,240
You can't even tell your mother
you love her.

492
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:57,800
Oh, my God.
Somebody shoot me right now.

493
00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:59,960
Why can't you tell your wonderful
mother you love her?

494
00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:02,400
Jonny, please take me
away in your rocket.

495
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:03,320
Oh, shut up, Adam.

496
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:06,240
I tell you, if my Spencer
doesn't say he loves me

497
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:08,960
at least once a day,
you know what I do?

498
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:11,240
Er, let me guess,
you smack his bottom?

499
00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:12,920
Yes, I smack his bottom.

500
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,360
Really?  Yes.

501
00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:16,560
I smack his bottom again and again

502
00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:19,400
until he says "I love you, Mum."
Well, that's certainly normal.

503
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,400
Auntie, I think
you should smack Adam's bottom.

504
00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:22,880
Oh, I'll smack his bottom,
all right.

505
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:26,320
Ow. Get off!

506
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:28,400
Get off.  No, go on, Val.

507
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,600
Yes, go on, Auntie.  Say it.

508
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:32,320
Say it, then.  Say what?

509
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:33,680
Say you love your mother.

510
00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:35,160
Well, go on, Adam.

511
00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:38,040
Say it.  Oh, my God.

512
00:19:38,040 --> 00:19:39,840
Insanity!

513
00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:40,640
Insanity!

514
00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:42,080
That's it, run away.

515
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:43,280
Go on.

516
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,840
That was amazing.

517
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:47,920
Oi!

518
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,680
HE SNORES

519
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:54,480
Well, this is fun.

520
00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:58,160
Hmmm?  Sitting in a freezing car with

521
00:19:58,160 --> 00:19:59,720
a bloody snoring machine.

522
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,080
Terrific.

523
00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:06,000
Here comes Crazy Mother Number Two.

524
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:09,440
Tell her you love her!

525
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:13,520
Yes. Don't crash on the way home.

526
00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:16,280
So, what are you going to do
about your stupid bag, then?

527
00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:19,080
What? Oh, that. That's all sorted.

528
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:22,560
Sorted? But it's still up there.

529
00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:25,120
Yeah, but don't worry,
there's a plan.

530
00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:28,080
Plan?  Hello, all.

531
00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:29,000
Jim.

532
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:31,160
Um, I was just passing,

533
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:33,360
and wondering how you're

534
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:35,520
getting on with the bag in the tree.

535
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:37,320
Um, there's a "plan", Jim.

536
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:38,160
There's a plan.

537
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:40,880
A plan? Come on, Milson.

538
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:44,000
Car ruined.

539
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:46,240
I've been racking my brain

540
00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:50,280
trying to work out how that bag got
up there in the first place.

541
00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:52,720
Well, yes, Jim, it is
a bit of a mystery.

542
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:55,160
The wind!

543
00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:57,520
It fell from a helicopter?

544
00:20:57,520 --> 00:20:59,440
Uhh.

545
00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:02,880
Um, what's that thing?

546
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:04,760
That thing's "the plan".

547
00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:11,000
Gotcha.  Bingo!

548
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:12,680
Mazeltov.

549
00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:15,840
£300 for a plastic bag?

550
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:19,000
Yeah, 300 lovely pounds.

551
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:22,160
You're an idiot, Martin.
You know that?  Yup.

552
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:24,400
I know I've slagged off your
ridiculous spacesuit

553
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:25,520
all night, but...

554
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:28,440
You're freezing your bollocks off,
and now you want to wear it?

555
00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:30,120
Er, sort of.

556
00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:33,200
Go on, Pusface.  Oh, thanks.

557
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:35,480
Boys!

558
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:40,160
Um, what do you want me
to do with it?

559
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:43,080
I'll have that, thank you.

560
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:45,640
That's right, Mr Bag.

561
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:48,640
I win. You lose. Ho-ho!

562
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,360
Done. Right.

563
00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:53,280
If anyone wants me,
I'll be having my crumble.

564
00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:57,200
Well, at least someone's happy.

565
00:21:57,200 --> 00:22:00,440
Hold on a minute.

566
00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:01,800
Jonny?

567
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:04,360
Um, mate? You wouldn't mind putting
this back up there, would you?

568
00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:06,880
You want me to put it back up there?

569
00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:08,160
Yeah.

570
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:13,440
I'll keep watch on Crazy Bag-man.

571
00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:21,080
Actually, would you mind not
putting it back up there?

572
00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:22,560
Not putting it back up there?

573
00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:23,960
Not putting it back up there?

574
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:25,920
Yeah.

575
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:30,080
Crimble crumble.

576
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:31,600
Crimble crumble.

577
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:33,920
PHONE RINGS

578
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:38,040
Pusface?  Amazing.

579
00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:40,360
OK, coming.

580
00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:42,920
Um, Dad?

581
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:44,280
What?

582
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,720
Oh, my bloody, bollocking back.

583
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:49,840
Honestly, Dad, it's worth it,
I swear.

584
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:54,160
Look. Oh, my God,
What have you done?

585
00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:57,280
You bastards! My coat!

586
00:22:57,280 --> 00:22:59,240
My lovely coat!

587
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:01,840
Wait! Come back!

588
00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:04,920
Come back!

589
00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:07,280
Mum?  What?

590
00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:09,440
I love you.

591
00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:15,120
Subtitles by Red Bee Media